The Immaculate Conception
Yesterday I invited my pet scribe-monkey N. Rajdeep Sardesai of NCNN-NIBN(my favourite channel), over for a drink, to throw some peanuts his way for his help in the “Cash-for-Votes ” scandal.Now my humble abode is well-stocked with Glenfiddich the year round, but when a journalist comes calling , any amount of liquor always falls one peg short.So I ordered Sanjeev , the person I do not employ, to the nearby theka , to get 5 bottles of the cheapest whisky. Off he went in his burqa to avert the eyes of the ever present media wallahs, sniffing around my humble house in search of the poor guy.When he came back , I ordered him to fish out some empty bottles of Glenfiddich from the basement and pour the whiskey in those. So when Rajdeep came , I offered him one of those nakli bottles( I call them manifesto bottles now , he he he.) and kept the asli one for me.The poor guy was very impressed with the arrangement.
“Arrey waah Singh Sahab, 3 crore ke nuksaan ke baad bhi Glenfiddich, aur vo bhi mere liye meri personal bottle.Vaah , jawab nahin. Congress ki press conferences mein to Blender’s Pride hi milta hai aajkal. Not smooth, doesn’t suit my palate at all.I told Pranab Mukherjee that day , its either Scotch or CNN-IBN will….”
I just smiled and offered him a plate of Tandoori Murg.
“Kuch khao” , I said to him.
He picked up a leg piece and started munching on it.”So how is Amit Ji”, he asked me , while still wrestling with the leg-piece using his teeth. The bastard never fails to bring my good friend up in conversations. Maybe he wants to act in a movie or something.But he hasnt told me yet.Never mind, a couple more bottles and he will be telling me the colour of his Jockeys in no time, I thought.
“He is fine, on some tour – shour. He called me yesterday and told me that he has started writing something called a block.Is that some kind of book-shook Amit Ji, I asked him.He laughed and said rehne do , kuch internet vaali cheez hai, nahin samjhoge.“
“What is this block thing Rajdeep. You are a paper-wallah. You explain.”
The guy gets really pissed when I call him that, so to massage his wounded ego, he launches into a meaningless diatribe about the electronic media, adding I am from electronic media , you see after each sentence.”Its a blog sir, with a g.I am from electronic media, you see. I know about these things.Its like talking on a phone, where you cannot hear the person on the other end.You can say whatever shit you want about anybody, and they cant talk back. You can use it against Behenji , because I know whenever you are in a room with her and she starts talking , you start looking for the nearest chair to hide under.He he he.I am from electronic media, you see. I know about these things.He he he.”
I offered him another leg piece just to shut out his hyena like laugh.But my instincts had already sniffed the blood in the idea.
“So can i write it too?”, I asked him.
“Ofcourse you can sir, anybody can”.
“And I can write anything about anybody”
“Ofcourse sir.I am from electronic media, you see. I know about these things.”
“How do I do it then. Ofcourse , I dont want to use it to further any propaganda about anybody. I will use it for the upliftment of downtrodden”
“Dont you worry sir. I will help you with it.You just write it and I will edit it and post it.Like I did with those cash-for-votes tapes of yours.He he he.I am from electronic media, you see. I know about these things.”
Again that hyena like laugh, again a leg-piece sacrificed to buy his silence.
“Theek hai fir.Lets do that.”
“But sir, you have to be honest, while writing.Its a medium read by lots of very sensible people, and I think you should respect the medium’s integrity sir.I am from electronic media, you see. I know about these things.”
Oh my god,his journalistic integrity was surfacing.Had to curb it fast , before it took over.”Here Rajdeep, have another peg.” I hurriedly splashed some water and whiskey in his glass and literally tipped it in his mouth myself, just to get him over this integrity phase.I think it hit the spot, since he started laughing like a hyena again.
“He he he sir.This single malt is really good.It is really very smooth.You are toh spoiling me sir.He he he.”
“Only thing is that sir we will have to put some strategically placed adverts for NCNN-NIBN in your blog
, if its okay with you sir.He he he.”
“Yeah whatever you want”, the liquor had done it’s job.Integrity, back to its own small corner, drowned in the deluge of liquor.
“Thanks you sir. I will manage your blog.He he he.He he he.”
Here goes another piece of kebab to the altar, I thought.
“Chicken lo Rajdeep ,please”
“He he he.Oh yes sir.He he he” .. chew ..chew.. aaah silence again.
I sat up all night thinking about the new weapon I had in my hand, how I could use it to really tell Behenji what I think about her. I could use it to write some glowing words about Amit Ji. How I could use it to further Anil’s interest.Oh and yeah I also started thinking about how I can use it for the upliftment of downtrodden, but then I think I fell asleep.Next morning , I wrote this up over my daily breakfast of 3 aloo paranthas with butter , croissants and orange juice, and immediately faxed it over to Rajdeep.
Of course the paper-wallah that he is , he forgot what we talked about and I had to recount the whole bloody conversation to him again for an hour, before he started remembering vaguely about the night.He said he’ll edit it and post it on my blog.
“And yeah thanks for the amazing single malt yesterday sir. I think I will stick with Glenfiddich only from now on. He he he.I think I have loose motions sir, what with all the chicken yesterday.Shouldn’t eat that much.He he he.Oh god, there goes my bedsheet again.He he he.Gotta run to the bathroom.He he he.” Hyena-laugh again. I slammed the phone down.
Tags: Arjun Singh, N. Amar Singh, N. Rajdeep Sardesai, Samajwadi Party
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