Reservation, Ayah, Arjun Singh : The True Story Part 1

After due consultation with Sonia Ji, who anyways treats Arjun Singh Ji as a pet-monkey, I decided to come clean about the whole Reservation thing. Being a behind-the-curtain man myself, I thought it appropriate to keep the story under wraps till now, but yesterday after Arjun Singh passed me a note with “Fatty, I know where Sanjeev Saxena is. Ha Ha Ha. ” written on it with gold sparkle and a sketch of a very small phallus under a magnifying lens and an arrow pointing to it with the words “Yours” at the other end of the arrow drawn on the note, I decided that the time had come to put this upper-caste pseudo-samajwadi in his rightful place.I immediately e-mailed Sonia Ji :

Most Respected Madam, I touch your feet and ask for your blessings. I had to write this email to inform you that my esteemed co-parliamentarian Mr. Arjun Singh ji of your very esteemed party, has been sending me lewd messages and I think it’s time that I revealed to the world, who really works for the upliftment of downtrodden in this country.You are well aware of the fact that it was I who masterminded the 27% reservation for the relatively less downtrodden( Read OBCs) of this great country, and not Arjun Singh. You told me at that time , that Arjun Singh is your pet-monkey and looks the part of Dalit uplifter(bald, specs, ailing) too.Moreover in case of any backlash he will blindly take any backlash on his expansive back-side.He will be the perfect front-man for this upliftment initiative.You told me that by lending my name and face to the idea , I will be losing my man-behind-the-curtain image, and will seriously dent my credentials as a secretive-goto-wheeler-dealer.Arjun Singh on the other hand , you said, is your pet who has to repeat “I am loyal to the Nehru-Gandhi family and will serve under Sonia Ji and Rahul Baba all my life” , 5 times a day.While you have given ample proof about the loyalty of your monkeys, I am being taunted by the same monkey , using some very compromising information on some very private parts of mine. I dont know how he got that information, but as it stands , it is very humiliating and not samajwaad by this monkey of yours.Again as I write you this mail, the despicable bastard has sent me a mail titled : You got nothing on me.Ha ha ha. It contains an image of esteemed Mulayam Singh Yadav Ji walking with me and holding me by a leash.While I assure you that the image portrayed is false, and in real life it is exactly the opposite, I urge you to let me come out in the media with the true story of the humble samajwaadi who orchestrated the fall of the non-vote-bank bourgeois, which is ofcourse me.

P.S. : If you can be so kind , as to send me a photograph of Mr. Arjun Singh Ji on a leash, with you hitting him with a rolled up newspaper, I will be very grateful.

Sei molto gentile Madam

Your humble servant.

So Sonia Ji in all her esteemed wisdom sent me the following mail :

Dear Mr. Singh,

Grande. He is refusing to quit the cabinet post anyways, so if you can deal this double whammy to him , I am sure he will get a sweet whipping from the all the media and country and he might resign and go back to formulating lottery scams in Churhat.Also please keep in mind that you hand over the exclusive story and all the related interviews to my favourite news channel NCNN-NIBN. Rahul Baba is very particular about this.He feels a very strong affinity to the eletronic media and he has handpicked his favourite news channel NCNN-NIBN to be the most unbiased channel in the country after DD.

Saluta Mulayam da parte mia!

Ciao

Now Arjun Singh Ji, you got nothing on me.Chal chal samajwad aane de. Ha ha ha.

The Immaculate Conception

Yesterday I invited my pet scribe-monkey N. Rajdeep Sardesai of NCNN-NIBN(my favourite channel), over for a drink, to throw some peanuts his way for his help in the “Cash-for-Votes ” scandal.Now my humble abode is well-stocked with Glenfiddich the year round, but when a journalist comes calling , any amount of liquor always falls one peg short.So I ordered Sanjeev , the person I do not employ, to the nearby theka , to get 5 bottles of the cheapest whisky. Off he went in his burqa to avert the eyes of the ever present media wallahs, sniffing around my humble house in search of the poor guy.When he came back , I ordered him to fish out some empty bottles of Glenfiddich from the basement and pour the whiskey in those. So when Rajdeep came , I offered him one of those nakli bottles( I call them manifesto bottles now , he he he.) and kept the asli one for me.The poor guy was very impressed with the arrangement.

“Arrey waah Singh Sahab, 3 crore ke nuksaan ke baad bhi Glenfiddich, aur vo bhi mere liye meri personal bottle.Vaah , jawab nahin. Congress ki press conferences mein to Blender’s Pride hi milta hai aajkal. Not smooth, doesn’t suit my palate at all.I told Pranab Mukherjee that day , its either Scotch or CNN-IBN will….”

I just smiled and offered him a plate of Tandoori Murg.

“Kuch khao” , I said to him.

He picked up a leg piece and started munching on it.”So how is Amit Ji”, he asked me , while still wrestling with the leg-piece using his teeth. The bastard never fails to bring my good friend up in conversations. Maybe he wants to act in a movie or something.But he hasnt told me yet.Never mind, a couple more bottles and he will be telling me the colour of his Jockeys in no time, I thought.
“He is fine, on some tour – shour. He called me yesterday and told me that he has started writing something called a block.Is that some kind of book-shook Amit Ji, I asked him.He laughed and said rehne do , kuch internet vaali cheez hai, nahin samjhoge.“

“What is this block thing Rajdeep. You are a paper-wallah. You explain.”

The guy gets really pissed when I call him that, so to massage his wounded ego, he launches into a meaningless diatribe about the electronic media, adding I am from electronic media , you see after each sentence.”Its a blog sir, with a g.I am from electronic media, you see. I know about these things.Its like talking on a phone, where you cannot hear the person on the other end.You can say whatever shit you want about anybody, and they cant talk back. You can use it against Behenji , because I know whenever you are in a room with her and she starts talking , you start looking for the nearest chair to hide under.He he he.I am from electronic media, you see. I know about these things.He he he.”

I offered him another leg piece just to shut out his hyena like laugh.But my instincts had already sniffed the blood in the idea.

“So can i write it too?”, I asked him.

“Ofcourse you can sir, anybody can”.

“And I can write anything about anybody”

“Ofcourse sir.I am from electronic media, you see. I know about these things.”

“How do I do it then. Ofcourse , I dont want to use it to further any propaganda about anybody. I will use it for the upliftment of downtrodden”

“Dont you worry sir. I will help you with it.You just write it and I will edit it and post it.Like I did with those cash-for-votes tapes of yours.He he he.I am from electronic media, you see. I know about these things.”

Again that hyena like laugh, again a leg-piece sacrificed to buy his silence.

“Theek hai fir.Lets do that.”

“But sir, you have to be honest, while writing.Its a medium read by lots of very sensible people, and I think you should respect the medium’s integrity sir.I am from electronic media, you see. I know about these things.”

Oh my god,his journalistic integrity was surfacing.Had to curb it fast , before it took over.”Here Rajdeep, have another peg.” I hurriedly splashed some water and whiskey in his glass and literally tipped it in his mouth myself, just to get him over this integrity phase.I think it hit the spot, since he started laughing like a hyena again.

“He he he sir.This single malt is really good.It is really very smooth.You are toh spoiling me sir.He he he.”

“Only thing is that sir we will have to put some strategically placed adverts for NCNN-NIBN in your blog

, if its okay with you sir.He he he.”

“Yeah whatever you want”, the liquor had done it’s job.Integrity, back to its own small corner, drowned in the deluge of liquor.

“Thanks you sir. I will manage your blog.He he he.He he he.”

Here goes another piece of kebab to the altar, I thought.

“Chicken lo Rajdeep ,please”

“He he he.Oh yes sir.He he he” .. chew ..chew.. aaah silence again.

I sat up all night thinking about the new weapon I had in my hand, how I could use it to really tell Behenji what I think about her. I could use it to write some glowing words about Amit Ji. How I could use it to further Anil’s interest.Oh and yeah I also started thinking about how I can use it for the upliftment of downtrodden, but then I think I fell asleep.Next morning , I wrote this up over my daily breakfast of 3 aloo paranthas with butter , croissants and orange juice, and immediately faxed it over to Rajdeep.

Of course the paper-wallah that he is , he forgot what we talked about and I had to recount the whole bloody conversation to him again for an hour, before he started remembering vaguely about the night.He said he’ll edit it and post it on my blog.

“And yeah thanks for the amazing single malt yesterday sir. I think I will stick with Glenfiddich only from now on. He he he.I think I have loose motions sir, what with all the chicken yesterday.Shouldn’t eat that much.He he he.Oh god, there goes my bedsheet again.He he he.Gotta run to the bathroom.He he he.” Hyena-laugh again. I slammed the phone down.

N. Amar Singh?

Since this is the first post on my new blog, you might ask who is N. Amar Singh. So, let me start with the some introductions and ofcourse how I came about writing the blog.Me first;I am not Amar Singh. I am N. Amar Singh , a caricature of Amar Singh in an alternate reality. A reality where “Samajwad” and whatever it goes for rules the roost. How I wish the Amar Singh in your universe could come here and see what we have done for the “common man” here. We ofcourse beat newspaper vendors delivering a specific rag, here too. We too, dole out reservations, just because well .. thats another post altogether.To cut it short , its really very similar here. Only in this reality, I have decided to open up and share my life with the “common man”.There is a limit to all the greatness that a man can keep bottled up. I had to tell the world what I have accomplished for them, because the masses are ignorant and will believe whatever the “biased” media will show them on the TV.

For instance, take the case of the recent quota increase in our esteemed educational institutions.You all believe that my esteemed co-parliamentarian Mr Arjun Singh Ji as the messiah of the downtrodden, brought about the revolution.But no, it wasn’t him , as much as he might look the part ( bald, specs, ailing) . It was me, drawing the inspiration from the ayah cleaning my humble residence at Lodhi Road , who brought the upper-class bourgeois to their knees begging for a few seats in IIMs, IITs. Chal Chal Samajwad aane de. Thats what I told those elitist non-vote-bank doctor-log sitting on dharna at the AIIMS, over my patiala of Glenfiddich(only single malt for me) and a plate of Chicken Tikka that day, while watching my favorite news channel NCNN – NIBN.